Okay, can we agree on something right here and now…

NO MORE BIRTHDAY WEEKS!

I don’t know who started this trend. But I desperately wanna be the person who ends it. I mean who the hell woke up one day and decided that they were worthy of a full 7 day birthday celebration? What are you, a Middle Eastern Shiekh? The Virgin Mother? Zsa Zsa Gabor?

Guess what? You don’t GET a full week to celebrate your birthday. How about that? Unless your head first peeked out of your mothers vagina on a Monday morning and your left leg didn’t finally slide out until the following Sunday night – then you don’t get an entire week.

News flash, your birth didn’t bring about world peace. The announcement of your arrival in this world didn’t inspire a wave of scientific advancements toward green technology and subsequent steady decline in green house gas emissions. You slid out onto a small steel tray in a harshly lit hospital room among a bunch of gown wearing, over educated strangers. You got rolled up in a five dollar blanket that was likely purchased in bulk at the local Walmart and then stuffed in a pink plastic pod in a disturbingly Matrix-syle room with about 20 other babies.

So get down off your high horse and save your friends six wasted nights of their lives. Just wake up like the rest of us, have some cake, think back to all the horrible mistakes you made over the past 365 days, have a little cry by yourself under your bed (maybe masturbate yourself into a little nap) and then get on with the rest of your life.

P.S. I blame women. There’s no way a guy came up with this. And that’s not a sexist opinion either. I love women. My fiancee is a woman. My mom’s a woman. Vaginas are attached to women. It’s just a fact.